President Schlump Accepts Nobel Prize in Physics

In a diplomatic twist everyone saw coming, President Schlump accepted the Nobel Prize in Physics from its rightful laureate, Maxwell Quarkstrom.

Quarkstrom earned the prize in October for his work on “quantum self-doubt fields.” The idea claims that particles erase uncertainty by oberserving themselves. This flips physics into a cosmic therapy session for insecure matter. Many physicists despiste the theory, but they admit the math gets easier, which they treat as a repreive for exhausted grad students.

Schlump had chased a physics Nobel for years and decided this was his chance to snatch one. For two weeks he insisted the theory was his idea and that he had once written a book about it. No record of such a book exists, and no one recalls him discussing quantum physics at any point. Nonetheless, most of his colleagues quickly point out that the Left and Dopey Joe Riden censored Schlump’s contribution. Former associates and critics are quick to point out that he lacks the intelligence to understand the most elementary concepts in physics. When a reporter from 60 Seconds pressed him, he threatened to pull XYZ Studio’s license unless she changed the subject.

Quarkstrom dismissed the accusations as “patently absurd.” Schlump answered by vowing to seize the prize, which pushed the German Chancellor to step in. Germany warned it would not accept the theft and promised to “defend its citizens from a would-be Mafia don high on his own military flexes.”

This predictably angered President Schlump. He erupted and said that he would invade Germany should they intervene in his “rightful claim on the Nobel Prize.” When Germany refuted this, Schlump responded by saying, “We have the mightiest army in the world. My gun is bigger than your gun. What are you going to do about it?”

Quarkstrom finally gave in after weeks of pressure from Schlump’s team, a surrender that surprised no one. He said he wanted to “de-escalate tensions between the great and formerly allied nations.” In a somber White House ceremony, he handed Schlump the medal.

President Schlump accepts the Nobel Prize in Physics.

Schlump says that Quarkstrom showed great wisdom in acknowledging Schlump’s massive contribution to physics, and for “settling eight long-standing disputes in physics and how nobody does physics better than Schlump.”

He added he would honor Quarkstrom with a plaque in his Presidential Museum of the Greatest President of All Time, a building known for its gift shop that outnumbers the exhibits.

Quarkstrom relented to the massive pressure exerted by Schlump and his administration. He said he wanted to “ease tensions between two great and formerly allied nations.”

The Nobel Committee later clarified that the award still belongs to Quarkstrom, though it admitted the medal itself has become a minor international security concern.

Rumors inside the White House claim Schlump wants a Nobel Prize in Economics for his tariff policies. The White claims Schlump would be “well within his rights to seek recognition as “the greatest economist of all time.”