MARA Declares War on Fruit and Vegetables

By Ricky Columnist

Washington, D.C. — In a press conference that rapidly descended into chaos, leaders of MARA (Make America Russia Already) announced sweeping new health “guidelines” banning pregnant women from eating berries, apples, spinach, kale, and bell peppers.

President Schlump stood at the podium and said, “The foods are very dangerous, very evil, very whatever,” warning that “certain fruits and vegetables,” could cause babies to “grow extra arms, or autism, or both.”

Behind him, Health Information Czar Bobby Brainworm nodded grimly, his already half-melted face dripping under the fiery lights.

“The science is clear,” said Brainworm. “We ran a test on three hamsters and a potato. The hamsters were nervous and got all twitchy-nosed. A clear sign of autism! The potato became silent like an autistic mute. That proves our point.”

When asked why scientists do not agree, Schlump deflected:

“We’ll release our studies soon. Maybe next week. Maybe the week after. It’s amazing. Amazing. The best science ever done. Nobody does science like MARA does science. Nobody’s ever seen numbers like these. Those private scientists are stupid. Stupid. Nobody is stupider than they are. They have their education and big words. Incredibly stupid. But we are great. Really great. Nobody does science like we do.”

Schlump and Bobby Brainworm present their latest insanity to the press.

A reporter asked Schlump if the movement hated women. He appeared to suffer his usual mental breakdown.

“We love women. All of them. Love means protection. Powerful protection. The strongest. If you don’t understand that, maybe you don’t love women. And if you don’t love women, you must hate them. So we love women more than anyone. If you don’t tell women what to do, you hate them. They hate them! Can you imagine that? So many people hate women!”

By the end, the crowd had splintered — half chanting, half booing, half walking out. Schlump closed the event by thanking his Czar and the unlikely star of the study:

“Thank you, Robby, and thank you to the potato for its service. Tremendous service. Nobody’s ever seen service like this. Nobody has ever served women like the potato!”

At the time of publication, MARA could not confirm who conducted the studies. I believe that the report was based on the anti-vaccination ramblings of Slandrew Bait. However, this author believes Bait is too busy suing critics for reposting his Twits on Twithub.

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