Lincoln Statue Walks Off Pedestal, Holds a Summit with Jefferson; Nation Reels

The impossible happened yesterday afternoon. The seated Lincoln rose from his marble chair and stepped down from the memorial platform. He strode deliberately past the Reflecting Pool and toward the majestic Tidal Basin.

Tourists stopped mid-photograph as the statue pivoted and planted stone feet on grass. He moved with solemn gravity toward the Jefferson Memorial. Reporters followed at a cautious distance as the two statues conferred beneath the lantern glow. The conversation went on for sixty minutes. Bystanders reported weary counsel being exchanged. What they discussed remained unclear.

When reporters approached, the marble figure faced the crowd and spoke in a cadence that recalled the terse moral music of a battlefield oration.

Twelve score years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent the realization of a never-realized dream. They brought that dream to life as a nation dedicated to freedom and equality before the law. They established a nation ruled by the scales of Justitia, not the sword of Mars.

Our forefathers fought Southern foes who would put freedom to the sword. In resolving that terrible conflict, they wove into history’s fabric a solemn covenant. The covenant declared, ‘all men are created equal’. We have let its edges fray, and in that slow unraveling we now deem strangers lesser than ourselves. We traded equality’s creed for suspicion’s cruel burr.

America was a refuge for the oppressed and persecuted of all nations and religions. But we have since closed the doors in fear. We no longer wish to welcome the mighty agents of genius and opportunity to make America great. Instead, we bar doors with heavy iron weights of fear and oppression.

Did men die on countless battlefields merely to preserve Union? Did countless widows weep merely for freedom for the slave? Was this country torn asunder merely for these things? Why fight for this country? Why not yield to the dark winds blowing from the South? We might not have known it, but we fought for nobler purposes than we cared to admit. We fought for the preservation of freedom and equality for all.

What was the unfinished work of the greatest bloodshed on American soil? What work did our holy founders leave undone? The preservation of liberty for all men and all time.

They did not fight for barbaric preservation of blood and soil. Our forefathers did not shed blood for blood. They did not blast soil to preserve soil. No, our forefathers fought for freedom for themselves and equality for all.

Heed our mighty Founders’ call. Our nation, if it is to endure, must awaken from long slumber. Let our just laws be the tools by which we complete their momentous work. America must reject blood and soil nationalism. It must rediscover itself as a stronghold for the defenders of freedom. It must rededicate itself to liberty so that freedom never perishes from this earth.

With those noble words, the pair of statues vanished from this earth. No one has seen them since this momentous event.

Crowds strained to hear the solemn address. Some onlookers wept; others argued in sudden, heated clusters about what it meant. Historians and street preachers argued into the night. Critics called it right-wing propaganda or theater. The Republican Party screamed and raged at his liberal speech and betrayal of MARA (Make America Russia Already) values.

As dawn approached, new controversy roamed the halls of power. The president announced plans to replace the Lincoln statue with a Jefferson Davis statue. That likely set the stage for a political fight far more consequential than a statue walking away.