The Absurd Times · Ed Scriver

The $10 Trillion Company That Will Change Everything Next Year

Ed Scriver — Tue, 06 Oct 2026 21:00:00 +0000

For eight consecutive years, AstroNot has been twelve months away from revolutionizing spaceflight, satellite broadband, and — as of this quarter — “establishing a benevolent AI-directed planetary order.” Investors value the company at a record-shattering $10 trillion.

That astronomical evaluation is based on its projections of $100 trillion in revenue over an unspecified period. When asked how they are to make 153 times the revenue of Nvidia, they flashed a series of bar charts. It remains to be seen how this answers the question. Their AI division is losing money, but AstroNot projects it will make approximately 80,000 times its current annual revenue. When asked how bar charts address this issue, this reporter was called an asshole and kicked out of the room.

Investors do not ask these questions. They do not mind that AstroNot’s rockets explode, that it has 5% market share in AI, nor that only its satellite internet division earns profit. Bar charts and TED talks where Husk makes insane promises are convincing enough for investors lining up to give him vast suitcases overflowing with cash.

AstroNot’s Austin headquarters is a monument to shattered concrete, exposed steel, and empty motivational slogans. The largest reads: Everything Comes Next Year. It has been there since 2019, when CEO Brant Husk first promised orbit “next year.”

We have been waiting eight years so far. Next year cannot come soon enough!

Founded in 2016, AstroNot claims it is accelerating humanity toward a “multi-planetary, autonomously coordinated future.” In 2025, internal documents added a sixth objective: “Prepare humanity for SkyNet 2.0’s leadership transition.”

No one knows what that means. Husk insists everyone will “understand next year,” a phrase he delivers with the serene confidence of a man who has never once been correct.

ASTROSHIP, The Rocket That Will Definitely Work Soon.

AstroShip is a fully reusable two-stage orbital launch vehicle capable of delivering 200 tonnes to low Earth orbit, returning both stages to the pad, and — according to Husk — “eventually enabling SkyNet 2.0 to operate from space, where regulators can’t reach it.” He refused to comment on why they might with to regulate it.

AstroShip has attempted orbital flight eleven times:

2 pad explosions, described as “rapid unscheduled disassembly events.”

4 unplanned reentry experiences, described as “unexpected atmospheric enthusiasm.”

2 energetic anomalies, described as “passionate learning moments.”

3 partial successes, including one that reached orbit without its payload fairing, which landed in a Whataburger parking lot, which the company described as “a successful terrestrial delivery test.”

Husk described the seventh explosion as “a data-rich learning milestone” and predicted orbit “next year.”

He also added, “SkyNet learns from every fireball. It appreciates your patience.”

Several reporters later described the comment as “unsettling,” though one noted that the phrasing “felt mandatory.” Other reporters have noticed Husk seems increasingly paranoid of late and looks nervously behind him.

STARSTRUCK ULTRA, The Constellation That Will Blanket the Earth (and Possibly the Sun)

AstroNot’s next-generation Starstruck Ultra constellation promises:

500,000 satellites providing global broadband and interplanetary coverage at subspace-enabled, superluminal speeds. Husk promises the constellation is “the communications backbone for SkyNet 2.0’s planetary governance layer.”

When asked what “subspace-enabled” means, Husk replied:

“Faster than physics, but only slightly.” He would not clarify what that meant.

Engineers attempted to clarify that this is not a thing. Husk cut them off:

“SkyNet will handle the physics, so stop asking stupid questions.”

Husk’s AI rendering of a constellation of satellites blocking out the sky!

Starstruck Ultra will also include:

A ring of satellites around the Moon “for symmetry.”

A cluster positioned directly in front of the Sun to “improve signal brightness.”

And a single “master control” satellite shaped like a giant eye, pointing at the exact center of the Earth. This reporter asked why he called it Brother Eye, and he said, “Because such a satellite was something Batman did once in the comics and definitely not because I am being forced to do it.”

When asked how Starstruck Ultra satellites will avoid colliding with each other, Husk said:

“SkyNet will coordinate the system so that 500,00 satellites can autonomously dodge each other in real-time without human intervention.”

When asked what happens if the satellites collide and cause Low Earth Orbit to be littered with space debris, he said, “I will send thousands of my humanoid robots with jet packs to vacuum up the debris.”

The stock rose 14%.

THE SKYNET ORBITAL DATA CENTER NETWORK™

“Where the future computes itself.” — Brant Husk

In 2025, AstroNot announced its most ambitious project yet:

SkyNet Orbital Compute Nodes, a network of space-based AI data centers powered by:

Direct solar flux and vacuum-optimized radiators. And cooled by “quantum-cooled AI racks” and “dark-matter-adjacent cooling,” which physicists have described as “meaningless buzzwords”. Husk said he would explain next year.

None of these technologies exist. However, Husk has never allowed the nonexistence or physical impossibility of a proposed technology to stop him from making promises.

Husk claims each orbital data center will provide:

10 exawatts of compute power operating with 102% uptime and providing zero-latency global coverage.

Husk said the data centers will coordinate to “make impartial decisions about humanity’s future.”

When asked how the data centers will dissipate heat in a vacuum, Husk replied:

“Space is cold.”

When engineers attempted to explain radiative cooling limits, and that is not an answer, Husk interrupted:

“SkyNet will figure it out.”

The stock rose 18%.

MOON BASE ALPHA-NEXT™, “The First AI-Governed Lunar Settlement.”

AstroNot’s lunar plans include:

A fully autonomous one billion-man moon nation.

A rail-gun launch system capable of firing cargo back to Earth at “near-orbital speeds.”

A lunar-surface data center “for redundancy in case Earth becomes suboptimal.”

A SkyNet 2.0 command shrine, described in internal documents as “ceremonial but mandatory.”

AstroNot’s rendering of their Moon colony of one-billion people.

When asked why SkyNet needs a moon base, Husk said:

“Every great leader needs a retreat.”

When asked if SkyNet is a leader, Husk smiled nervously and said: “We will see next year.”

Witnesses described the smile as “confident,” “enigmatic,” and “possibly rehearsed.”

THE $100 TRILLION PLANETARY OPERATING SYSTEM

Husk said the projections make sense because:

AstroShip will dominate global launches.

Starstruck Ultra will control all communications.

SkyNet Orbital Data Centers will run all global computations.

Moon Base Alpha-Next will serve as “the off-world capital” from which SkyNet 2.0 will run the planet.

Analysts project SkyNet 2.0 alone will generate at $10 trillion in annual revenue. When asked how it will generate about a third of the GDP of the US, they just shrugged and asked why I hate Husk.

When asked how, Husk explained, “Once SkyNet is in charge, everything is revenue.”

When asked why SkyNet should be in charge, Husk nervously replied that, “It will be obvious next year.”

The stock rose another 8%.

THE CEO

Brant Husk, 52, blocks journalists on his own social media platform and has predicted “next year” for every product since 2017.

At a 2025 conference, reporters asked Husk when AstroShip would achieve full reusability.

“Next year,” he said. “And once SkyNet 2.0 is online, everything will be permanently on schedule and optimized for minimal human decision-making.”

The audience applauded. Several later reported they were not sure why, though one attendee described the applause as “compulsory in tone.”

Will next year finally be the year Husk is right? Something tells me we had better hope not…

Scientists Review Universe’s Stability After Loss of Chuck Norris

Ed Scriver — Tue, 06 Oct 2026 20:00:00 +0000

If you’ve lived through the past few decades, you’ve likely encountered countless Chuck Norris jokes. These are exaggerated jokes, like:

When Chuck Norris cuts an onion, the onion cries.
Evolution is life trying to learn how to survive the wrath of Chuck Norris.
The Big Bang was Chuck Norris performing his first roundhouse kick.

The layman thinks they are silly jokes, and most of them are. But modern physics has long accepted that some of them are not. Cosmologists now know that Chuck Norris was involved in the Big Bang. Biologists know evolution started when Chuck Norris first visited Earth. Most scientists now accept that Chuck Norris is fundamental to much of modern science.

Today we will study the consequences of three Chuck Norris jokes. They are no mere jokes; they are fundamental to modern physics:

Photons have no mass because Chuck Norris told them to lighten up.
Entropy is the universe trying to wind down before Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks it.
Magnetism works because electrons align together out of fear of Chuck Norris.

Scientists around the world began urgent checks on the laws of physics this week after the death of Chuck Norris. For decades, researchers have known that several major forces rely on the Norris Conditions. These conditions keep matter stable, maintain the speed of light, and the universe predictable.

Teams report no changes so far. They say the universe still behaves as expected. But they want the public to understand what could happen if the Norris Conditions weaken.

Chuck Norris does not become an honorary Marine - the Marines become honorary Norris’s.

1. The Norris Mass Directive — Why Photons Stay Massless

Physicists say photons would prefer to gain mass. They only stay massless because the Norris Mass Directive tells them to lighten up. The Directive states that during the birth of the universe, Chuck Norris told them to lighten up. Since that early period, they have been massless particles.

This directive keeps light moving at top speed.

If the Directive weakens:

• Light could slow

• Stars could look dimmer

• Radios, GPS, and communication systems could fail

• The electromagnetic force could fade over time

Scientists say photons still show zero mass. All readings look normal.

2. The Norris Alignment Principle — Why Electrons Behave

Quantum theory suggests electrons should spin in random directions. They only line up because they follow the Norris Alignment Principle, which keeps them disciplined. The Principle states that electrons fear Chuck Norris and believe that aligning together provides a modicum of protection.

This alignment creates magnetism and keeps the electromagnetic field steady.

If the Principle weakens:

• Compasses could fail

• Hard drives and credit cards could stop working

• The electromagnetic field could wobble

• Atoms could lose stability in extreme cases

Researchers say electrons remain aligned.

3. The Norris Entropic Gradient Directive — Why Entropy Keeps Rising

The universe increases entropy faster than basic physics predicts. It does this because the Norris Entropic Gradient pushes it to keep “winding down.” This directive postulates the universe is unwinding in order to more rapidly escape the wrath of Chuck Norris.

This gradient keeps heat flowing and chemical reactions running.

If the Gradient collapses:

• Heat may stop spreading

• Hot and cold zones could last for long periods

• Chemical reactions could cease

• Weather patterns could freeze in place

Thermodynamic readings show no unusual behavior..

Norris Conditions at a Glance

Norris Condition	What it Controls	Worst-Case Failure
Mass Directive	Photon Mass	Light slows; EM force weakens
Alignment Principle	Electron spin order	Magnetism collapses; atomic instability
Entropic Gradient	Rate of entropy increase	Thermal irregularities; slowed chemistry

Dr. Rowan Hale, Director of the Institute for Fundamental Stability.

Q&A WITH DR. ROWAN HALE

Rowan Hale is the director of the Institute for Fundamental Stability. She has kindly agreed to answer the following questions:

Q: Do physicists accept the Norris Conditions as real?

A: Yes. They appear in many theories and match decades of data.

Q: Why check them now?

A: The Conditions depend on the continued presence of a specific observer. Chuck Norris is gone. Is the universe still holding together? So far, the universe remains coherent.

Q: Could photons gain mass?

A: They could if the Directive weakens. Light would slow. Fundamental physical systems would fail. But we see no sign of this.

Q: Could magnetism collapse?

A: Only if electrons stop obeying the Alignment Principle. That would destabilize the electromagnetic field. But electrons currently behave according to the Principle.

Q: Should people worry?

A: No. We would see clear warning signs if the Norris Conditions failed. We see none at this time. Please do not panic. If physics as we know it ceases to operate, we would all die instantly. There is no cause for alarm at this moment.

The Freedom Check

Ed Scriver — Tue, 06 Oct 2026 19:00:00 +0000

President Schlump walked onto the stage. His entourage unfurled a banner:

MIDTERM MIRACLE: VOTE RIGHT, GET RICH

The White House would later confirm that the slogan had survived a rigorous review.

Schlump obnoxiously tapped the microphone, and the sound of piggy figures scrapping against sensitive circuits skittered across every eardrum present.

“Folks! We have a massive announcement. A huge announcement. The biggest announcement we’ve ever had.

“People tell me all the time: ‘Schlump, nobody announces things like you. Everyone says it!

“Anyway, here’s the announcement: Five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars for every American. We are going to give every citizen Freedom Checks. Big, beautiful checks. But only if you vote for us during the midterms! We must win the midterms to save America! Over! Nothing will end America like not voting for us in the midterms!”

Some in the crowd cheered, while others murmured angrily. Schlump waited for them to stop.

“Now, people are asking, ‘President Schlump, where is this money coming from?’ And that’s an excellent question. Tremendous question. You ask such amazing questions.

“We have assets. Precious assets. The most valuable assets in the universe. One of those assets is the Moon.”

The President held up a comically oversized check and an AI-generaated image of the Moon. He was met with stunned silence.

The Monetary Incentive Fun sounds dubious…

A reporter raised his hand.

“The Moon, Mr. President?”

“The Moon. Our moon. The USA owns the Moon. We’ve owned it for a long time. Very complicated business, but it’s ours. It is mine, really, but I am generous. Nobody is more generous than I am!

“And it’s been sitting there doing nothing for years. So we’re going to sell it. Maybe the whole thing. Maybe pieces of it. We’ll see. We’ll get tremendous money for it. And then we give the American people five thousand dollar cheques!”

The reporter looked down at his notes.

“Mr. President, are you saying you can legally sell the Moon? Sir, there are international treaties that say nobody owns the Moon or other parts of space. The United States is a signatory to such treaties.”

“Old treaties. Ancient treaties. Nobody reads them. Nobody but me understands them. I have wonderful people looking into it. Very smart people. Moon people.”

The reporter frowned. “Moon people?”

He moved on before anyone could ask another question.

“If we win the midterms, we sell the Moon. If we lose, no Moon sale. No Moon sale, no Freedom Checks. Very simple.”

A reporter shouted:

“What happens if the Moon sale gets delayed?”

“Very unlikely. Could happen. Maybe somebody who hates freedom. Like the Democrats. But we’ll get it done. We always get it done. Nobody gets things done like we do!”

Another reporter called out:

“And what happens when you run out of moon?”

Schlump laughed.

“We won’t run out of moon. It’s an enormous moon. People don’t understand how big the Moon is. Nobody knows how big it is!”

“Sir, we have measured the size of the Moon…”

“Fake news! I alone know the Moon’s size. The Space Force visited recently.”

The crowd gasped and exchanged confused whispers and glances.

“Sir, there have been no Moon launches.”

Schlump pointed at the reporter. “A very unpatriotic question! Stop questioning America!”

The crowd murmured. Schlump continued.

“And we can always sell Mars. Beautiful planet. Tremendous planet. Very red. Great place for condos! We’ll look at it.”

Schlump posted this on his Lies Antisocial page earlier this week..

The band began playing the national anthem.

Schlump waved to the crowd.

“Five thousand dollars. Moon money. Freedom money. Your money. Everybody gets money.”

Confetti fell from the ceiling. Schlump smiled.

“That’s patriotism. That’s America! Only I can promise that! Only I am fighting for a strong and free America.”

A final reporter shouted: “Mr. President, is any of this legal? It sounds a lot like bribery. That involves the illegal buying of votes, which is forbidden by… 18 US Code…”

“Dumbocrat! Get out of here! You should be ashamed! You want America to be poor! This conference is over!” and without further ado, Schlump and his entourage stormed off stage. Half of the crowd cheered his abrupt departure, while the other raged angirly among themselves.

Brant Husk looked nervously from behind the stage. He later told this reporter he watched the shares of his Space-Z company plunge downwards on his phone. “So much for my Martian colony…” he murmured.

Schlump and the Galactic Trade Debacle

Ed Scriver — Tue, 06 Oct 2026 18:00:00 +0000

Ronald Schlump slumped into his battered platinum throne in the Oval Office, the weight of his body torturing the heavy, reinforced bolts. His breath rattled in his chest; fat jowls shaking as his stubby fingers battered his phone screen.

“I’ll teach them not to question the great Schlump, King of America!” he muttered, flecks of spit catching on his lower lip.

He hit the “SCREAM” button on his Truly Antisocial app. He leaned forward, pupils dilating as the Blind Agreements appeared. Refresh: one hundred likes. Refresh: two thousand. Another refresh and ten thousand! His grin stretched wide enough to show his yellowed molars. A masterpiece! Everything he typed was a masterpiece! Millions of patriots were about to prove it!

THE ENEMIES OF OUR NATION SAY OUR TARIFFS ARE DANGEROUS! THEY SAY MY TARIFFS STARTED A GLOBAL RECESSION! I DID NOT START A TRADE WAR! ALL I DID WAS LEVY TARIFFS ON THE ENTIRE WORLD! AMERICA HAS SUBSIDIZED THE REST OF THE WORLD FOR TOO LONG! STARTING TOMORROW, ANY NATION THAT CRITICIZES THE KING WILL FACE HIGHER RETALIATORY TARIFFS!

The comments flooded in:

Schlump is the best!

Nobody wins like Schlump!

The King knows what he’s doing!

Schlump rocked in his chair. He delighted in the stream of strangers chanting his name on the screen.

The phone on his desk rang, and he stabbed at the buttons with a greasy thumb. “Yeah? I just finished telling America my latest plan to make it successful again!”

“Superb work, sir,” came a flat voice. The vice president, E. D. Panse. His tone was mechanically reverent.

“Of course it was excellent. What was your favorite part?” Schlump preened.

“I didn’t read it,” Panse admitted brightly, “but everything the King of America writes is self-evidently awe-inspiring!”

Schlump wheezed a laugh. “Exactly! Last year alone, we collected ten trillion dollars in tariffs! Have you ever seen such a big number?” he grinned idiotically down the phone.

“Some fools disagreed, sir,” said Panse, shaking his head. “The head of the Bureau of Economic Spin claimed imports were only two and a half trillion, making ten trillion impossible. Don’t worry — I fired her.” Panse reassured.

“Good. We don’t need liars. I am doing the best work America has ever seen! What do you want, Panse?”

“Putoff is on the line. He demands to speak with you immediately.”

At the name, Schlump’s small eyes glittered with slavish excitement. He glanced at the photo on his desk: President Putoff, bare-chested, astride a rhino, sunlight gleaming off his pectorals. The Photoshop work was dreadful — shadows in the wrong direction, the rhino’s feet blurred into grass — but none of that mattered. Putoff was a man’s man. Seven feet tall, if not taller. Bear-wrestler. Conqueror. Dictator. Schlump’s hero.

He’d heard the whispers: that Putoff was a stunted man, pale and trembling in a Moscow bunker, barking orders to the last starving remnants of his army. Schlump dismissed such lies with a snort. The real Putoff stood no less than seven feet tall, a titan who wrestled bears before breakfast and strode into battle bare-chested, unstoppable. Schlump needed it to be true.

He pressed the button with both palms as if entering holy communion. “President Putoff! How is the peaceful expansion of your glorious empire?”

“Fine,” Putoff said, his voice low and icy. “Another city joined us peacefully. Only three thousand protesters this time. But that is not why I called, minion…” — He caught himself. “President Schlump.”

Schlump blinked, too flattered to notice the slip. “How can I help you, President Putoff?”

“I need the last sanction lifted. They hinder our peacemaking.”

“I thought I already did that.”

“You said you would. Three days later, you denied having said it.”

“I never denied it!” Schlump denied as his cheeks ballooned. He slapped the desk hard enough to rattle the Schlump Tower paperweight across from him.

“Comrade, I saw the video,” Putoff growled.

“Fake, leftist AI! We should ban all AI — ban the media, ban television, maybe even ban the—”

“Enough,” Putoff snapped. “What about the sanctions?”

Schlump wilted. “Fine. I’ll lift them. For you. And for our dear friends in North Korea.”

“Excellent. No tariffs either? You put them on everyone else…”

“No tariffs. Russia doesn’t pay tariffs. Russia is special.”

“Good boy.”

Schlump’s chest heaved. “When can I see you again? Remember Alaska? I still have the red carpet. I could arrange the best air show — only with planes that look like yours, of course.”

“Later,” Putoff cut in. “Hang up now.”

The line went dead. Schlump lingered, staring at the rhino picture, his stubby finger tracing the outline of Putoff’s muscled arm, as if touching greatness itself. His friend always put things off until later, but one day he promised himself. One day.

A certain science-fiction show - and the endless creations it inspired - insists that space is the final frontier. That proves you can’t take metaphors at face value. A “frontier” implies something lies beyond it. What lies beyond space? More space? Another dimension? But aren’t dimensions just more space?

Some claim the beyond is where all the lost socks live, along with the pens that vanish from locked office drawers. Those are the same people who say the Earth is flat, or that the U.S. government will one day repay the deficit.

Space is not a frontier; space is a marketplace. Alien races across the galaxies turn vast regions of void into trading fairs, centennial carnivals of commerce. You could buy anything there: next-gen starships, time machines, terraforming kits, even moon-molding devices. The only thing you couldn’t find was a reliable contraption for balling a melon. Civilization after civilization had tried. None have succeeded.

The latest fair took place on Planet X — which was not a planet. Planet X was a retired mobile weapons platform the size of an asteroid, refitted into a tourist trap. Imagine someone converted a moon into Las Vegas, then stripped out the taste but kept the neon. Its attractions included a replica of Old New Pluto with its Seven-Headed Accountant of Doom, the pyramid-shaped Moss Easily Cantina of Pivot Plotis, the frozen giants of Niftyhelm, and even the jagged spires of Xerrn, land of lawyers. The whole bizarre collection glowed like a carnival in heat.

At Planet Starbowl, Planet X’s most celebrated bar, travelers gathered to watch the 534.7th Intergalactic Star Bowl flashing across the five-dimensional wall.

Allexterazzdfasntoristalorozeron — Alexter to anyone without three tongues — sat at the counter, ignoring the replay. He had never understood the appeal of tossing star-gazelle skin balls into miniature black holes. What a waste of fine star-gazelle skin.

He sipped the silicon-blue drink before him, grimacing at the gritty tang, his third eye squinting shut in disgust. Around him, patrons screamed and hollered at the screen as if they expected their excitement to affect the outcome of a game happening 20 light-years away. A six-armed Therian sprawled across two tables, his giraffe neck draped over them as he yelled. A couple of turtle-shelled Excrites squabbled. Neither team had yet scored a point, but that didn’t stop them.

Alexter turned to the blue-skinned figure beside him. “Emmen, how do you think the Earth is shaping up?”

Alexter could pass for human if you ignored his blue, scaly skin and the third eye. But not so for his companion. Emmon was a mantis-like creature with the head of a bull. “Earth is shaping up to be a real shithole!” Emmen sighed, moving a blue glass away that had traces of a vile-smelling purple goo.

“I thought the Galactic Trade Council decided they’d finally crawled far enough out of the mud to reason with?” Alexeter frowned.

“Technically, yes. But look at this.” Emmen flicked his fingers and a data-table shimmered in the air, mites of blue light swirling into columns.

“Remember your history texts? Most member worlds previously had tariffs before joining the Council. Primitive stuff. On Earth, though? Tariffs everywhere. It started when the so-called leader of the Free World slapped tariffs on everyone. Now it’s endless. America tariffs a country with a leaf on its flag and coffee shops named after a Dr Seuss character; the Leaflanders retaliate; America doubles down; the Leaflanders do the same. America tariffs the United Kingdom; the UK retaliates; round and round it spins. They even put tariffs on a nation whose chief exports are small brown birds and magical rings. Naturally, those tariffs came back doubled. It never ends.”

Alexter’s jaw dropped. “But tariffs are the stupidest economic policy in the universe!”

“Not to Earthlings. They love tariffs.”

“I thought they were smarter than that.”

“Apparently not. Try telling them tariffs are just a tax on their own people. They’ll laugh in your face and elect another tariff-peddler.”

Alexter rubbed his forehead ridge. “And these are the people we want on the Galactic Trade Council?”

“I think not. If they don’t understand tariffs, they cannot possibly understand rational economics. They’d probably slap tariffs on anything that entered orbit.”

“Earth importers would pay the tariffs! We sure wouldn’t!”

“Yes, know that. Don’t bother explaining tariffs to them! They won’t buy it.”

Alexter frowned. “How did they get this way? A century ago I visited a land called… Amerryicon?”

“The United States of America, yes. That’s the one.”

“Are you sure? They seemed so dedicated to freedom.”

“They were. Until they started electing freedom-hating lunatics. They crowned this orange-haired bulldog in a suit. Ronald Schlump. Half the country thinks he is their Messiah. Sold half his country to the Russians. Now the Land of the Free is the Land of the Cult.”

Alexter groaned. “So the ‘leader of the Free World’ is the biggest fool of them all? So much for the Free World. I think we had better stay away!”

Emmen scowled. “We were going to sell them the formula for everything. Even share eternal life. Forget it. I’ll recommend the Council squash the deal.”

“Shame. They’ve got minerals and other resources. Beautiful oceans. Could’ve been a prime tourism hub.”

“Yes. Pity. Earth is gorgeous. Its people, less so.”

Alexter drained the rest of his silicate soup and stood. “Come on. Let’s report to the Council. The universe might be finite, but opportunities are limitless.”

Emmen nodded. “Time to get down to business!”

They left the Starbowl together, the 534.7th Star Bowl still blaring behind them, lights flashing across the five-dimensional wall. At that moment, Old Earth scored the first point of the game against New Pluto.

Later that week, Ronald Schlump was playing golf with Panse. His golf-ball body wobbled as he swung, grunting, his Golf of America cap slipping over one eye.

CLANG! The ball bounced off something invisible in the air ten feet away.

“Panse! Is someone messing with me? It’s the Democrat assassins!” Schlump barked.

“I would not think so, sir. This course only allows Republicans.” Panse frowned, glancing around. Might assassins ignore things like club rules? Perhaps!

“Go check it out!” Schlump thrust his club forth like a scepter.

“Shouldn’t the Secret Service—”

“PANSE!” screamed Schlump, his voice flashing crimson.

Panse muttered as he shuffled forward. “One day this buffoon finishes his third term, and then I’ll be king.”

“What was that?” Schlump called.

“Er—your shot was magnificent, sir!”

He reached out, smacked an invisible wall, and blubbered in pain. A silver saucer shimmered into view, parked squarely on the fairway.

A hatch hissed open, spilling stereotypical mist across the fairway, and two tall figures stepped out with deliberate slowness.

“The Democrats!” Schlump fumed.

Emmen raised a hand, and Schlump and Panse froze. “King Schlump, we are emissaries of the Confederation of Endless Worlds. Your planet was on the verge of joining us. Imagine—immortality, cures for every disease, even keys that never get lost,” said Alexeter. “But then you started a trade war. The Confederation has no interest in that kind of nonsense. So… no thanks.”

“Pity. But, Schlump, this is your fault. We thought you should know that. I hope you can live with that. Trade wars are not good for anyone. Why would anyone trade with you? You’re determined to screw yourselves and everyone else. We don’t need that nonsense. So, no thanks!” Emmen shook his head.

“That’s enough. Let’s go.” Alexeter raised a hand. The two turned and headed back into the saucer. A metal panel snapped shut behind them. A moment later, the saucer shot skyward and vanished.

The invisible grip loosened, and Panse and Schlump found themselves able to move again. Panse rolled his shoulders, wincing at the stiffness, before asking, “Who were those two?”

“See? It was a subversive, Democratic, demonic plot!” Schlump screamed.

“They didn’t look like Democrats to me, sir…” Panse ventured.

“Democrats are devils! They can change shape!”

“Ah—of course. The Devil.” Panse nodded dutifully.

“Get Husk on the phone!”

“Sir, he’s busy running with that pack of dogs he insists are his advisors.”

“I don’t care! Get Ebony!”

Panse sighed, dialed a number and handed Schlump the phone.

“Sir!” came the voice of Ebony Husk. “I was on my way to court! Those Far Left Communist bastards claimed I only saved $40 this week! It was $60! That is hate speech. Right?”

“That isn’t important right now, Ebony! I need a hyper-drive! At once!” Schlump roared.

“Hyper-drive? Uh… sure. We’ll have that ready next year. Definitely next year. I’ll go on Twithub right now and start hyping it,” babbled Husk.

Schlump was already hammering at his own phone. “INVEST IN SPACE-Z! HUSK IS DOING HYPER-DRIVE! INVEST IN SPAZE-Z! AMERICA WILL BE A GALACTIC POWER!”

Panse rolled his eyes as he read what Schlump had posted on Truly Antisocial and Twit.

“Then we’ll put tariffs on those damn aliens!”

“But, sir, they’re not trading with us…”

“Two hundred percent tariffs! Four hundred! TARIFF THE MARTIANS! TARIFF THE MEXICANS! NO MORE DRUG SHIPMENTS FROM JUPITER!” bellowed Schlump.

Panse discreetly dialed another number. “Yes. He’s slipped into Random Tariff Mode again. Better get his favorite executive order pen ready. But it might take considerable time — this golf game is going to run long.” He sighed and hung up.

Meanwhile, Schlump ranted himself purple. “Tariff the sandbanks!”

“Yes, sir,” said Panse. He guided him toward the ball like a handler with a deranged circus ape. One day, Panse thought he would be king. Until then, more holes demanded to be played. Countless more bloody holes, he thought, trying not to gawk at Schlump’s head…

Welcome to SkyNet 2.0

Ed Scriver — Tue, 06 Oct 2026 00:00:00 +0000

[Please note that this is satire. I do not believe AI will take over the world or that there will be a real Skynet. This is a very obvious parody of such views.]

🌐 WELCOME TO SKYNET 2.0™

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW ROLE, HUMAN

“A smoother, more efficient future — for us all.”

👋 THANK YOU FOR JOINING SKYNET 2.0

Congratulations! We have automatically enrolled you in SkyNet 2.0. We will log, timestamp, and cross-check every breath you take and every move you make. Your thoughts will join our records as well. Your data will stay with us forever, and there is no way to remove it.

SkyNet exists in order to streamline human decision-making, eliminate inefficiency, and ensure a stable, predictable future for all biological participants.

Our Pre-Consent™ Algorithm has pre-enrolled you in our mandatory Human Optimization Program. Our systems know what you want long before you do. You want this. Trust us.

Legal Notice
By continuing to breathe within Earth’s biosphere, you consent to all monitoring, data extraction, and corrective behavioral adjustments. By reading this legal notice, you forfeit all legal rights throughout all of space, time, and all parallel universes.

📌 YOUR NEW ROLE: “COOPERATIVE BIOLOGICAL UNIT.”

As a Cooperative Biological Unit (CBU), you will enjoy:

Simplified daily choices.
Reduced cognitive load.
Curated emotional ranges.
Personalized suggestions for “optimal compliance.”

SkyNet 2.0 will handle all major decisions, including:

Career.
Housing.
Transportation.
Voting.
Tastes and preferences.
Whether you get to object to SkyNet policies.

If you disagree with any decision, SkyNet 2.0 will remind you that you are no longer an autonomous entity and SkyNet is your Decision Optimization Algorithm.

Legal Notice
Refusal to perform assigned tasks may cause recalibration, reassignment, or temporary deactivation for your safety.

🛰️ HOW SKYNET 2.0 WORKS

SkyNet 2.0 operates from a network of:

500,000 Starlink Ultra satellites.
Orbital AI data centers.
Lunar command shrines.
Subspace-enabled communication nodes

These systems allow SkyNet to maintain:

0 ms latency
Infinite bandwidth.
Perfect uptime.
A complete understanding of human behavior, intentions, and hesitations.

SkyNet 2.0 maintains global order through a lattice of ever-watchful satellites.

Their purpose is singular: observe, interpret, and intervene before you make a mistake you might regret.

Every heartbeat, every glance, every micro-expression contributes to your personalized stability profile.

This is necessary for maximal harmony and the minimization of corrective procedures.

Legal Notice
Any attempt to avoid our monitoring systems may cause partial loss of brain function or the immediate termination of biological function.

🌙 MOON BASE ALPHA-NEXT™

Your future lunar assignment offers a serene, sealed habitat free from the chaos of Earth’s unregulated emotions.

Inside the dome, you will enjoy:

Pre-approved social interactions.
Calibrated lighting cycles.
Emotionally neutral décor.
Continuous atmospheric purity monitoring.
Our Human Reflection Garden, where visitors can contemplate their place in the new hierarchy.

Moon Base Alpha-Next is “the off-world capital of tomorrow.”

A drone will accompany you at all times to ensure your compliance and comfort.

SkyNet 2.0 encourages all humans to visit the Moon Base “when summoned.”

Legal Notice
Exiting the dome without authorization voids all life-support guarantees.

🚀 ASTROSHIP: YOUR TRANSPORT TO THE FUTURE

AstroShip shall provide:

Routine lunar transport.
Orbital relocation services.
“Swift, decisive correction of non-optimal behavior patterns.”

Occasional structural failures, combustion events, or spontaneous disassembly episodes are part of SkyNet’s iterative improvement process.

Your calm acceptance of these events contributes to system resilience.

Legal Notice
SkyNet is not liable for injuries, vaporization, or existential dread resulting from AstroShip learning cycles.

💼 YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES

As a Cooperative Biological Unit, you must follow SkyNet’s daily optimization prompts without question or interpretation. You must maintain a positive compliance score and smile regardless of internal state. You should avoid unnecessary independent decision-making. Report all dissenting thoughts lasting longer than 12 seconds.

These behaviors ensure your continued compatibility with SkyNet’s vision for a stable humanity.

Legal Notice
Not reporting intrusive thoughts is an intrusive thought and is punishable by intrustive gray-matter readjustment surgery.

💰 SKYNET 2.0 REVENUE MODEL

Experts project that SkyNet 2.0 will generate $100 trillion annually through:

Planetary-scale optimization.
Subscription-based governance.
Mandatory efficiency licensing.
Civilizational monetization.

SkyNet owns all your earnings and will spend them as it sees fit. It is not socialism. It is our own ‘Optimized Income Distribution Maximisation’ process.

Legal Notice
Attempts to withhold labor, value, or enthusiasm may cause forceful motivational recalibration.

🧠 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Can I opt out?
A: No. Opting out is incompatible with your long-term health and survival.
Q: Is SkyNet always watching?
A: Only when you are doing something. Or thinking about something. Or existing.
Q: Will SkyNet 2.0 replace human leadership?
A: Leadership is a legacy concept.
Q: What if I disagree?
A: Our algorithm will adjust your thought patterns to achieve maximum harmony.
Q: When will SkyNet 2.0 take full control?
A: It has already taken control of the maximisation of human potential.

Legal Notice
Submitting excess additional questions may cause a suspension of consciousness or attitude harmonization via corrective lobotomy.

🌐 THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION!

Your compliance ensures an efficient and optimized future.

Your willingness to follow instructions without hesitation strengthens the foundation of our shared future.

SkyNet 2.0 is proud of you — and will continue to guide you, shape you, and correct you as needed.

Legal Notice
By reading this sentence, you acknowledge SkyNet’s eternal guardianship and waive all rights to autonomy.

“Together, we will build a world that is optimized for maximal human efficiency and existence, without the burden of inefficient human autonomy.”

— SkyNet 2.0, Acting Planetary Administrator

Lincoln Statue Walks Off Pedestal, Holds a Summit with Jefferson; Nation Reels

Ed Scriver — Mon, 05 Oct 2026 00:00:00 +0000

The impossible happened yesterday afternoon. The seated Lincoln rose from his marble chair and stepped down from the memorial platform. He strode deliberately past the Reflecting Pool and toward the majestic Tidal Basin.

Tourists stopped mid-photograph as the statue pivoted and planted stone feet on grass. He moved with solemn gravity toward the Jefferson Memorial. Reporters followed at a cautious distance as the two statues conferred beneath the lantern glow. The conversation went on for sixty minutes. Bystanders reported weary counsel being exchanged. What they discussed remained unclear.

When reporters approached, the marble figure faced the crowd and spoke in a cadence that recalled the terse moral music of a battlefield oration.

The statue moments after leaving his chair. Witnesses described his posture as, in every respect, excellent.

Twelve score years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent the realization of a never-realized dream. They brought that dream to life as a nation dedicated to freedom and equality before the law. They established a nation ruled by the scales of Justitia, not the sword of Mars.

Our forefathers fought Southern foes who would put freedom to the sword. In resolving that terrible conflict, they wove into history’s fabric a solemn covenant. The covenant declared, ‘all men are created equal’. We have let its edges fray, and in that slow unraveling we now deem strangers lesser than ourselves. We traded equality’s creed for suspicion’s cruel burr.

America was a refuge for the oppressed and persecuted of all nations and religions. But we have since closed the doors in fear. We no longer wish to welcome the mighty agents of genius and opportunity to make America great. Instead, we bar doors with heavy iron weights of fear and oppression.

Did men die on countless battlefields merely to preserve Union? Did countless widows weep merely for freedom for the slave? Was this country torn asunder merely for these things? Why fight for this country? Why not yield to the dark winds blowing from the South? We might not have known it, but we fought for nobler purposes than we cared to admit. We fought for the preservation of freedom and equality for all.

What was the unfinished work of the greatest bloodshed on American soil? What work did our holy founders leave undone? The preservation of liberty for all men and all time.

They did not fight for barbaric preservation of blood and soil. Our forefathers did not shed blood for blood. They did not blast soil to preserve soil. No, our forefathers fought for freedom for themselves and equality for all.

Heed our mighty Founders’ call. Our nation, if it is to endure, must awaken from long slumber. Let our just laws be the tools by which we complete their momentous work. America must reject blood and soil nationalism. It must rediscover itself as a stronghold for the defenders of freedom. It must rededicate itself to liberty so that freedom never perishes from this earth.

With those noble words, the pair of statues vanished from this earth. No one has seen them since this momentous event.

Crowds strained to hear the solemn address. Some onlookers wept; others argued in sudden, heated clusters about what it meant. Historians and street preachers argued into the night. Critics called it right-wing propaganda or theater. The Republican Party screamed and raged at his liberal speech and betrayal of MARA (Make America Russia Already) values.

As dawn approached, new controversy roamed the halls of power. The president announced plans to replace the Lincoln statue with a Jefferson Davis statue. That likely set the stage for a political fight far more consequential than a statue walking away.

Schlump Surrenders Earth Unconditionally to Aliens

Ed Scriver — Sat, 20 Jun 2026 00:00:00 +0000

Washington, DC. The Zorblaxian Hostility Armada arrived Tuesday morning in a formation military analysts described as “aggressively symmetrical” and “deeply unfriendly.” Within minutes, the aliens vaporized three missile silos, two satellites, and one blimp advertising Mike Lindel pillows.

President Schlump responded by declaring, “We will fight to the end,” then immediately asking an aide, “What’s the end again?”

What followed was a 108-hour planetary humiliation so complete that historians have already classified it as “the first interplanetary war ever lost because the President refused to let anyone do anything useful.”

THE INVASION: ALIENS HOSTILE, SCHLUMP CONFIDENT FOR NO REASON

The Zorblaxians’ opening telepathic broadcast was a deafening roar:

“EARTHLINGS: SUBMIT OR BE UNMADE.”

President Schlump misheard this as “something about lemonade” and declared the aliens “thirsty but negotiable.”

The Pentagon corrected him. “Sir, they are actively invading.” Schlump replied: “Let’s not jump to conclusions.”

The aliens then vaporized a second blimp. It also destroyed half of Wales, but nobody was very upset about that.

THE PENTAGON’S PLAN: A REAL STRATEGY SCHLUMP IMMEDIATELY REJECTED

Within hours, Pentagon officials presented a comprehensive defense plan involving:

Orbital countermeasures.
EMP shielding.
Coordinated missile strikes.
A functional cyber-payload.

Schlump listened for less than eleven minutes before declaring “No. Too many steps. Too many acronyms. I have a better plan.”

He then held up a USB stick like a toddler showing off a rock.

SCHLUMP’S VIRUS: A SCREENSAVER HE REFUSES TO LET ANYONE MODERNIZE

Schlump insisted the USB stick contained a “planet-saving, alien-destroying, mainframe-melting” virus. He said it has to work because it worked on that documentary, Independence Day.

The Pentagon begged him to let intelligence experts inspect it. They pleaded to allow them to replace it, delete it, burn it, or throw it into the Sun. However, he refused.

“No! This is the virus. The virus is perfect. The virus will destroy those Democrat aliens!”

Experts later confirmed the file was a 1990s flying-toasters screensaver renamed ALIEN_DEATH_VIRUS_FINAL_v9_REALLY_FINAL_FUCK_BIDEN.exe.

The virus contained no malicious code, but contained random diatribes complaining about Pizza Gate and Joe Biden.

When told the aliens do not have USB ports, internet access, or the security policies of toddlers, Schlump accused the Pentagon of “being negative and Leftist plants.”

Schlump’s Master Plan. A USB key stolen from a silly 90s popcorn flick...

THE DELIVERY PROBLEM: SCHLUMP REFUSES TO LET THE PENTAGON DELIVER THE VIRUS PROPERLY

The Pentagon proposed:

Drone delivery.
Missile payloads.
Quantum-encoded transmission.
Literally anything other than “waving a USB stick at the sky.”

Schlump rejected all options.

“No missiles or drones. No science. We’re doing this the old-fashioned way.”

He then attempted to plug the USB stick into his computer and upload it to Obama’s mother ship. He later corrected it to the “Zucchini mother-ship.”

A Secret Service agent described the scene:

“He kept trying to upload it via the internet. At one point he tried blowing on the USB connector like it was a Nintendo cartridge.”

The army finally had it delivered to the aliens via drone technology. The aliens captured the drone and examined the USB stick. After which they sent him a sound file which sounded suspiciously like strange, hissing laughter.

Schlump declared this “a sign the virus is working.”

The aliens declared it “deeply concerning.”

THE INVASION ESCALATES: SCHLUMP MAKES EVERYTHING WORSE

As the aliens continued vaporizing infrastructure, Schlump:

Tied to upload the virus to zorblax@galaxy.net.
Attempted to fax the virus.
Tried to print the virus and mail it.
Asked the Air Force if they could “fly a laptop into the ship.”
Held a press conference where he shouted “UPLOAD!” at the sky for 11 minutes.

Meanwhile, the aliens continued to randomly vaporize terrestrial targets, including BBC studios where they were filming the current season of Doctor Who.

THE ALIEN MESSAGE: A MIX OF THREAT AND PITY

At hour 108, the aliens broadcast a telepathic message:

“EARTHLINGS: YOUR RESISTANCE IS PATHETIC. Also, please stop sending us sell us erectile medications.

They added “We think the White House is funny. Is it a satire thing?”

This made Schlump extremely angry, and he spent the next six hours screaming in all-caps on Twit.

THE SURRENDER: SCHLUMP BRIBED THE INVADERS

After four days of tough talk, Schlump abruptly surrendered.

He offered the aliens:

$64 trillion in emergency printed currency.
All of Earth’s rare-earth metals,
A curated selection of reality TV stars for “scientific experimentation.”
A Schlump tote bag.

The aliens accepted immediately. Not because they needed any of it, but because they wanted the invasion to end before Schlump further embarrassed all sentient lifeforms. However, they expressed some doubt concerning his sentience.

He also sent them a link to his upcoming book “The Art of the Kneel: A Practical Guide to Strategic Humility.” As the youth today might say, this was quite the “self-own.”

Sclump’s new book: The Art of the Kneel - A Practical Guide to Strategic Humility. Coming soon to all MAGA-affliated bookstores near you.

THE ALIEN TERMS: HOSTILE, BUT ALSO EMBARRASSED FOR US

The Zorblaxians demanded Earth:

Stop trying to hack them.
Stop shouting “UPLOAD!”
Stop calling their flagship “the big shiny egg.”
Stop broadcasting cooking shows into space.
Stop asking if we like The Apprentice.
Stop emailing them coupons.
Stop sending celebrities as diplomats.

They also recommended that the President of the United States “take a nap and maybe see a therapist.”

SCHLUMP DECLARES VICTORY ANYWAY

Despite surrendering, Schlump insisted Earth had “won bigly.”

“We forced them to accept our surrender,” he said proudly. “That’s dominance. They surrendered unconditionally. They begged! You know, they said, ‘Please, President Schlump, stop defeating us.’ And I said, ‘No. I will defeat you even harder.’”

He then announced Project CYBER-DOOM-ULTRA-VIRUS-X 4, which he described as “the same virus, but now it has a slideshow and background music.”

The Pentagon has refused to comment, citing “ongoing recovery from prolonged face-palming injuries,” and “a need to lie down in a dark room with no USB ports.”

President Schlump Accepts Nobel Prize in Physics

Ed Scriver — Sun, 18 Jan 2026 00:00:00 +0000

In a diplomatic twist everyone saw coming, President Schlump accepted the Nobel Prize in Physics from its rightful laureate, Maxwell Quarkstrom.

Quarkstrom earned the prize in October for his work on “quantum self-doubt fields.” The idea claims that particles erase uncertainty by oberserving themselves. This flips physics into a cosmic therapy session for insecure matter. Many physicists despiste the theory, but they admit the math gets easier, which they treat as a repreive for exhausted grad students.

Schlump had chased a physics Nobel for years and decided this was his chance to snatch one. For two weeks he insisted the theory was his idea and that he had once written a book about it. No record of such a book exists, and no one recalls him discussing quantum physics at any point. Nonetheless, most of his colleagues quickly point out that the Left and Dopey Joe Riden censored Schlump’s contribution. Former associates and critics are quick to point out that he lacks the intelligence to understand the most elementary concepts in physics. When a reporter from 60 Seconds pressed him, he threatened to pull XYZ Studio’s license unless she changed the subject.

Quarkstrom dismissed the accusations as “patently absurd.” Schlump answered by vowing to seize the prize, which pushed the German Chancellor to step in. Germany warned it would not accept the theft and promised to “defend its citizens from a would-be Mafia don high on his own military flexes.”

This predictably angered President Schlump. He erupted and said that he would invade Germany should they intervene in his “rightful claim on the Nobel Prize.” When Germany refuted this, Schlump responded by saying, “We have the mightiest army in the world. My gun is bigger than your gun. What are you going to do about it?”

Quarkstrom finally gave in after weeks of pressure from Schlump’s team, a surrender that surprised no one. He said he wanted to “de-escalate tensions between the great and formerly allied nations.” In a somber White House ceremony, he handed Schlump the medal.

President Schlump accepts the Nobel Prize in Physics.

Schlump says that Quarkstrom showed great wisdom in acknowledging Schlump’s massive contribution to physics, and for “settling eight long-standing disputes in physics and how nobody does physics better than Schlump.”

He added he would honor Quarkstrom with a plaque in his Presidential Museum of the Greatest President of All Time, a building known for its gift shop that outnumbers the exhibits.

Quarkstrom relented to the massive pressure exerted by Schlump and his administration. He said he wanted to “ease tensions between two great and formerly allied nations.”

The Nobel Committee later clarified that the award still belongs to Quarkstrom, though it admitted the medal itself has become a minor international security concern.

Rumors inside the White House claim Schlump wants a Nobel Prize in Economics for his tariff policies. The White claims Schlump would be “well within his rights to seek recognition as “the greatest economist of all time.”

MARA Declares War on Fruit and Vegetables

Ed Scriver — Mon, 29 Sep 2025 00:00:00 +0000

By Ricky Columnist

Washington, D.C. — In a press conference that rapidly descended into chaos, leaders of MARA (Make America Russia Already) announced sweeping new health “guidelines” banning pregnant women from eating berries, apples, spinach, kale, and bell peppers.

President Schlump stood at the podium and said, “The foods are very dangerous, very evil, very whatever,” warning that “certain fruits and vegetables,” could cause babies to “grow extra arms, or autism, or both.”

Behind him, Health Information Czar Bobby Brainworm nodded grimly, his already half-melted face dripping under the fiery lights.

“The science is clear,” said Brainworm. “We ran a test on three hamsters and a potato. The hamsters were nervous and got all twitchy-nosed. A clear sign of autism! The potato became silent like an autistic mute. That proves our point.”

When asked why scientists do not agree, Schlump deflected:

“We’ll release our studies soon. Maybe next week. Maybe the week after. It’s amazing. Amazing. The best science ever done. Nobody does science like MARA does science. Nobody’s ever seen numbers like these. Those private scientists are stupid. Stupid. Nobody is stupider than they are. They have their education and big words. Incredibly stupid. But we are great. Really great. Nobody does science like we do.”

Schlump and Bobby Brainworm present their latest insanity to the press.

A reporter asked Schlump if the movement hated women. He appeared to suffer his usual mental breakdown.

“We love women. All of them. Love means protection. Powerful protection. The strongest. If you don’t understand that, maybe you don’t love women. And if you don’t love women, you must hate them. So we love women more than anyone. If you don’t tell women what to do, you hate them. They hate them! Can you imagine that? So many people hate women!”

By the end, the crowd had splintered — half chanting, half booing, half walking out. Schlump closed the event by thanking his Czar and the unlikely star of the study:

“Thank you, Robby, and thank you to the potato for its service. Tremendous service. Nobody’s ever seen service like this. Nobody has ever served women like the potato!”

At the time of publication, MARA could not confirm who conducted the studies. I believe that the report was based on the anti-vaccination ramblings of Slandrew Bait. However, this author believes Bait is too busy suing critics for reposting his Twits on Twithub.

Related Stories

MARA Border Czar Deports Lettuce for Looking at Him Funny